Doghouse Blues: Revised and Remastered: So you think you have unexpected issues to resolve? Read about Roger Fraser and you’ll soon find your problems pale in comparison!

Doghouse Blues: Humor/Satire

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BLURB: Doghouse Blues

Roger Fraser is convinced he is cursed by unforeseen situations constantly bringing his integrity into disrepute, especially in social situations.

His family thinks he is gaff prone, but if they could see him in the business arena, they would find Roger is an unassailable trouble-shooter, trampling on Essex boy traders, and solving delicate problems with aplomb.

Join the Fraser family and their assorted band of odd-ball friends and work colleagues, as our hero steers his way through some tricky situations, but nonetheless, always seems to get the rough end of the pineapple and ends up licking his wounds in the doghouse.

EXCERPT: Doghouse Blues

Of course, Fraser knew why Henshaw didn’t sack Noon on the spot. By virtue of his line management function, the sales manager was implicated as well. Still licking his wounds from his meeting with The Big Lebowski, he didn’t want a return bout. Dan the Man would love to skin tricky Ricky some more. He knew it, so putting The Firm in hock by association equated with the last thing he needed. Since the Lehman Brothers meltdown, over-trading into the red had become strictly verboten, simply not allowed under any circumstances, unavoidable or otherwise.

The previous day, Fraser had received notification of a fresh tranche of gilts; bonds issued by national governments, Italian in this case, would be released at ten the next day. Rushing back to his office with No-one in tow, he checked the bond release status on his computer, finding it tracking as foretokened. Normally, The Firm bought low with a single broker, then if the price started rising through market confidence, more sales jockeys were put into play to meet investor requirements. With the time at 9:15, they had forty-five minutes to stabilise their buy strategy. Getting on the horn to Henshaw, Fraser suggested they take the market by storm, buying as much of the gilt as possible when trading opened at ten. Then, as the price increased, sell sufficient of the stock to make up Noon’s losses. Without taking a breath, Henshaw upheld the strategy, and Fraser raced off to join Dan Lebowski again.

With the trouble-shooter doing everything he could to keep the New Yorker engaged, it became another heart-stopping next few hours in the life of Roger Fraser. At midday, he got a text from Henshaw saying The Firm’s position had been recovered. Of course, all the American had to do was peruse the daily stock watch trades to get wind of the shambles, but Fraser hoped he’d be more condensed by the futures strategy, than playing scalp hunter that day.

After another exercise in trafficker vivisection, Lebowski gleaming with content after metaphorically applying his cleansing blade, he and Fraser had lunch at Le Relais de Venisebefore the New Yorker left him in one of those god-awful coffee houses in Old Broad Street, whilst he went off to get some cash from an ATM.

Still smarting from the Benedict No-one induced white-knuckle ride, entering the establishment Fraser was in no mood to be tested further.

Going up to the counter, he voiced, “cup of coffee, please.”

Some strange nondescript, with one of those multi-coloured, sculptured ethnic haircuts, and ringing more effeminate than a barrel-full of suspiciously camp talk show hosts, drawled, “we have some specials today; espresso deluxe, espresso con pannaand caffé latte.”

“Just coffee.”

“Americano,cappuccino, caffémocha?”

“Just coffee,” Fraser stipulated in a louder voice.

“How about caramel macchiato, espresso macchiatoor crème brûlée macchiato?”

Baring his teeth, Fraser became tempted to grab the nondescript by his jacket lapels, drag him across the counter and chin him, but he didn’t. “Just a cup of fuckingcoffee.”

“We also have iced skinny-flavoured latte, iced caramel macchiatoand iced caffè Americano.”

“Look, fella, I’m not getting through to you, am I? I just want a cup of fucking coffee. You dig?”

“Would you like something with that? Antipasti bistro box, cheese and oat cake bistro box, or perhaps falafel mezze bistrobox?”

“Aaaarrrrggghhhhhhhhhh!”

~ * ~

By mid-afternoon, Fraser could see light at the end of the tunnel, Benedict No-one’s debacle still off the American’s radar. They were getting down to the short strokes. Lebowski only had a few more victims to interrogate, then the Frankfurt flight would beckon, and his spotlight would be on a swift exit for London City Airport. Fraser cerebrally used the word interrogate because discussion or even dialogue transpired as inadequate and lame to describe The Big Lebowski’s encounters with bullpen staff.

Jasper Gilham and Todd Charnock, otherwise known as Beavis and Butthead because they look like dorks, or art modernism installers Gilbert and George because they constantly worked together, and wore matching clothing, were on their way up to see Lebowski and Fraser.

“Why are we seeing these guys together, Roger?” Dan the Man griped. “They’re not faggots or pussies, are they?”

“That’s a good question, but no…I don’t reckon so. It’s just they work well together leading to a close friendship. Colloquially, they are known as the sisters.”

“But they are married, I mean to women, or at least have ladyloves?”

“Couldn’t confirm that either, Dan, but the other traders feel safe with them, if they happen to be in the restroom as you Americans call it, at the same time.”

“All the same, it does betide as fishy. What does that halfwit, not fit for fucking sales manager think?”

“Ricky?”

“Yes.”

“Well, Ricky is a red-blooded alpha male. If he even suspected they were rear gunners, he’d have found some artificial excuse to can them before now.”

“What about Toby?”

“Oh,hah…such mundane sideshows are beneath Top Cat.”

“Top Cat…is that what you call him?”

“Just keep that to yourself, Dan.”

Smiling at the insistent remark, The Big Lebowski secured, “Roger that, Roger. Mum’s the word.”

They heard a knock-knock at the door.

“Come in,” the New Yorker instructed in a deep reverberating voice, obviously keen to have more fun at the peddlers’ expense.

Entering, Beavis and Butthead advanced towards them like twin matchstick men.

“Jesus,” Lebowski declared, “you two resemble a pair of tin soldiers marching in step.”

“We do everything together, Mister Lebowski,” Gilham disclosed.

“Everything?” he tersely grilled whilst glancing at Fraser.

“Yes, Mister Lebowski,” Charnock backed.

Whirling their attention to Fraser, together they chattered, “hello, Roger.”

“Good afternoon, Jasper, Todd,” he feted, trying not to smirk at Lebowski’s obvious initial hostility to the pair.

Resting his elbows on the table, and leaning forward with the intention of becoming even more intimidating, Lebowski took the initiative. “Okay, gents, we haven’t got a whole lot of time, so let’s get down to business. As that note from Toby Chalcroft explains, I’m here to build London’s futures figures into the global forecast, and implement the corporate go-to-market strategy. Roger is here to help me.” Halting, he widened his optics at the comic characters before him. “So…what you got for me?”

“Well, Mister Lebowski—” Gilham answered.

“Call me Dan.”

“Well, Dan, Todd and I have worked through our portfolios, and we’ve put together some interesting proposals we believe will turn into explosive earnings.”

“You don’t say,” the American half-mockingly retorted, raising his eyebrows.

“Yes. What we have avoids all the bear traps of leveraged commitment and downside risk. Better still, it is liquidity-crisis fool proof. It might be contrary to the standard consensus, but what we’re proposing is a coherent set of brokerage assets that will—”

Holding up his right hand, like a judge suspending council for the defence, Lebowski cut Charnockoff in mid-sentence. “Gentlemen…let’s not be disingenuous. I’m not here to listen to abstract concepts.” He grimaced at the sisters. “Just cut to the bottom line, and tell me what’s in the fuckin’ futures hopper, nothing extraneous or visceral, please.”

Decoded, that meant the futures estimated dollar numbers, and be quick about it.

Cutting to the chase, Beavis and Butthead delivered the goodies to please The Big Lebowski, ensuring they kept their jobs, at least for the time being. The no-thrills process being fast and effective, the sisters soon caught on producing the goods, right on the money.

Within thirty minutes, the baptism was complete, and just like their entrance, the two toy soldiers made their exit in unison, with Lebowski praising, “outstanding gentleman, that’ll get you a case of beer.”

When the door closed behind them, he rotated to Fraser. “Jesus, Roger, you limeys sure got some strange folk working for you. I pictured they were going to be feeble-minded idiots, but once I’d focused them, they got on track very quickly and nailed it. Their submissions are very much in line with those you and Henry Jacques produced. I didn’t know whether to shake their hands or kiss them.”

KEYWORDS

modern satire, comedy, anti-establishment

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