Chapter One

On the night before my wedding I had a passionate dream about another man. The dream was one of the most vivid I ever had. I could feel the bed beneath us, taste his skin and smell his seed. I dreamt of Jim Silversmith, the young man whom I once loved and who married another for money. In my dream we had far more privacy and comfort than we ever enjoyed in life. We were completely alone in a bed chamber with a large and comfortable bed. We undressed each other and at last I saw every inch of him. He delighted in my loose, uncovered hair and naked body. This time he had no backhanded compliments, only lust and admiration.

We began to touch and kiss before he lifted me onto the bed. Gently pushing me backwards he began to explore my breasts, my belly and finally my most hidden parts with his tongue. I laughed and writhed with delight. Finally, he took me into his arms and entered me. We had never gone so far in life and in my dream, I felt no pain, only physical and spiritual ecstasy. We reached the pinnacle of bliss at the same moment, he gasped that he loved me and something liquid and sticky flowed within in me. The shock woke me up.

I was in the Gallows Inn and my sister-to-be slept peacefully in a bed next to me. The sun was far above the horizon. I glanced at Annest, how could she sleep so soundly? My experience must surely have disturbed her too. It took me a minute to distinguish between the fantasy I had just enjoyed and reality. In a few hours’ time I was going to marry Nathaniel Lastman, a good, kind and clever man who loved me, and not Jim Silversmith.

The moistness in my crotch could also be explained by the fact I was bleeding and was likely to continue to do so for another three days. I cursed at the timing of this and at having to explain it to Nathaniel.

My dream disturbed me for two reasons. Firstly, I knew I could never have Jim and he was far from worthy of me. Secondly, I felt like I was committing adultery before even saying my vows. Nathaniel was one of the cleverest men I had ever met, would he suspect what was in my heart?

By the time we needed to get up and dress, I just wanted to the ceremony to be over. I was still shy and did not relish the thought of being the centre of attention. I had a lingering fear Jim might make trouble and I wanted to be bound to Nathaniel with no going back. I had made my decision and the waiting to carry it out was wearing me down.

Annest was as merry as a lark and scarcely seemed to notice my solemnness until we were both fully dressed. She turned to me and took my hands.

“Dearest, you look so grave. Do you really want to go through with this?” Her low voice was full of concern.

“Yes,” I said truthfully. “I want to be married to your brother but I wish we were already married. I confess I am dreading the ceremony and being looked at. I am confident I will be happy with him.”

Annest smiled and accepted this to my relief. She offered me lavender drops which took away the worst of my nerves. Her maid dressed my hair, my hat was pinned on and my shoes were soon on my feet. I was ready.

As we had planned, Will came to give me away. I was pleased he was doing so but my heart ached that Dr Moon was buried in the churchyard and not able to give me in marriage to his friend. Will looked at me and we both knew what the other was thinking.

“Don’t,” I begged, smiling sadly. “I will start crying and not stop. I miss him so much.”

A carriage took the three of us to the church. My heart was hammering and I felt the same as I had done five summers ago when I cut off my hair and jewellery, donned boy’s clothes and swam to the Mermaid. This step was equally dramatic and irreversible.

Once at the door, I took Will’s left arm with my right one and held the posy of roses and ivy in my left hand. We paused. The organ began to play and the entire congregation rose and turned to look at me.

Despite my nerves, I looked around. This could well be my last view of the people I had known for nearly five years. I saw the cheerful faces of Annabilla and her large family, Jack, Mr and Mrs Dottey and so many others who were now dearer to me than ever because I was leaving them forever. I saw Damaris, beautiful in a yellow gown with glass beads around her neck, but not her husband. She looked close to tears.

I looked at the altar. I could see the parson, ready to read the service, my handsome brother-to-be and Nathaniel, plain even away from his brother, but very dear to me.

I can recall parts of the service very clearly and other parts not at all. I remember smiling up at Nathaniel upon reaching the altar and the warm look in his moist eyes. I also remember giving my vows in a clear, loud voice which did not shake and marvelling at this achievement. I can remember Nathaniel smiling at me and pushing the cold, gold band on my finger but I cannot remember his kissing me, only that everyone applauded once it was over. I blushed and we made our way back down the aisle. There was a sense of unreality. How much had changed forever in less than an hour and in such a familiar place!

Once outside the church, we greeted well-wisher after well-wisher. None of the men or boys kissed me, only the women and girls. This was unlike other weddings which I attended in Swanford and I assumed it was because I had now joined the gentry. The congratulations were sincere, even from Damaris who had swimming eyes and a husky voice.

After the last person left to go to the wedding breakfast at the Gallows Inn, I turned to Annest.

“Sister, may I have your flowers?”

She nodded and handed them to me. The bridal party knew what I was going to do and a few stragglers hung back to watch.

My husband took my free arm and led me to Bathsheba’s grave. There he took off his hat and bowed his head. I crouched down, kissed a posy, I could not tell if it was mine or Annest’s for they were identical, and placed it with a shaking hand against the headstone.

There you are, Bathsheba. These are for you. Did you ever see such flowers? I wish you had lived to be my bridesmaid. You were a better woman than I am and you deserved a wedding more than I do. I wish I could have invited you to Rosborough. I wish you were with me now.

I rose and walked with my husband to my late master’s grave and did the same thing.

See sir, I did it. I grew up to be a decent person. You would be so pleased. I wish you could have given me away. God knows you were the most proper person to do it, you were the one most responsible for making me anywhere near worthy of a man like Nathaniel. I will make you proud, I promise.

With tears in my eyes and an aching throat, I rose. Nathaniel kissed me tenderly, took my arm and squeezed it gently. He replaced his hat and we made our way to the inn.

The wedding breakfast was a cheerful affair but a brief one. We only stopped for the meal before starting our journey to Bath. The time passed in a whirl of excitement and congratulations. As with the service, I can remember parts of it very clearly but there are parts I cannot remember at all. I do not remember eating anything but I do remember a dirty plate in front of me. My husband took my hand and whispered that the carriage was ready.

We rose, bade our final farewells and left the rest of the party to enjoy themselves. I remember being struck at the contrast between Annest, Annalies and Joseph and the rest of the guests. Even quality like the parson and his family were coarse in comparison.

Once inside the carriage I let out an almighty sigh of relief. At last I was no longer the centre of attention. Nathaniel laughed.

“You looked so nervous earlier I was half-afraid you wouldn’t go through with it and you would turn tail and jilt me at the altar.”

“I never did like taking centre stage.”

“Come and sit by me, not opposite me. We are man and wife now.”

I made myself smile and obeyed. He instantly put an arm around me and pulled me close which squashed my hat.

“Take that off. How can I get close to you with a veritable flower garden on your head?”

Again, I obeyed. I had publicly promised to obey him only hours ago.

He put an arm around me and pulled me close once again.

“I will make you happy, Adeliza. We will be very happy together.”

I looked at him and smiled.

“We will. It’s just that a girl is told she must do nothing and stay pure until she is married and after marriage everything happens all at once. It is such a change after being told for years that…all of that is forbidden and sinful.”

“We can take our time. We have all the time in the world.”

I took a deep breath and said.

“I am bleeding. I am likely to bleed for at least another three days. I am sorry.”

“Why apologise? These things are natural and as I said, we have all the time in the world.” He kissed my temple and I leant against him. We sat like this in a companionable silence for some time.

By seven o’clock we reached the inn where we would break our journey overnight. Nathaniel helped me out of the carriage and into the inn. My heart began to beat faster.

A maid, a girl very much like what I had so recently been, showed us to the best room the inn could afford. Our luggage was brought up and we were told what was available for supper. In a very few words we agreed to eat alone in our room.

We did nothing but talk about our plans for our honeymoon in Bath and Bristol while waiting for our meal and I had the sense of a brief reprieve but my curiosity was also piqued. The same maid returned with the food and begged us to call her when we were finished. She left and we were quite alone at last. The silence was loud and I began to wonder what to say now. I remembered how bored Jim had sometimes been with my conversation and blushed. What if I now bored my husband because I really was a boring person?

My husband called my attention and poured me some wine. The drink was finer than anything I had drunk between June 1780 and July 1785. It tasted good and I began to relax.

By the end of the meal I felt both calm and curious. We called for the maid and asked for hot water in order to wash. Nathaniel put both hands on my waist and turned me to face him.

“I am going to unlace you and then I am going to leave you for a little while to wash. Be ready for me.”

He unhooked my gown and I stepped out of it. I could feel his eyes taking in the sight of me. For the first time in years someone would see me completely naked. He turned me around and pulled off my petticoat. I looked up and could see the arousal in his eyes. He kissed my throat and unlaced my stays. I could feel his hot, quick breath on my bare neck and, when he pulled me against him, the heat and hardness of his erection. My pulse quickened.

He kissed me again, his lips at the most tender part of my throat. The movement and the wine made me dizzy and I could feel a blissful heaviness in my crotch. I wriggled round and pulled him down to my height. Tentatively I kissed his lips. Clearly restraining himself, he pulled away, squeezed my hands and said, “I will be back soon. Be ready for me.”

My head was a whirl of curiosity, a feeling of lightness and something else. I took off the rest of my small clothes, washed and changed my clout and linen drawers. The less Nathaniel saw of that side of things, the better, especially so early on in our marriage. I pushed my clothes out of sight. My laundry was now someone else’s work.

Nathaniel returned and I was naked apart from my drawers but my hair was still up and my jewellery still in place. He strode towards me, his erection evident. I opened my arms and we embraced. I pushed myself against him and again pulled him down to my height to kiss. Our lips met and he probed my mouth open with his tongue. I complied and followed his lead. I needed to look innocent and inexperienced.

We broke apart and he began to undress himself. I hung back. He was, at last, naked before me. Naked he looked more normal than I expected. The hair grew in odd tufty patterns on his legs as well as on other parts of him but his private parts were not so very different from Jim’s, the only real difference lay in the amount of hair and its colour.

I pushed all thoughts of Jim out of my mind. I could not afford to look experienced or remember the pain and pleasure of former times. I waited to be called to the big bed before us. Nathaniel pulled me onto his lap and began to kiss me passionately. He cupped one buttock with his hand.

The first time he touched me there was when we were in Iceland with Mr Lloyd and I had just thrown hot soup into his face. The last time was when he was nursing me while I lay helpless and soiled.

Again, I pushed the thought out of my mind. Legally Nathaniel could beat me again and I could not afford to either offend him or make him think I was afraid of him. He looked at my body admiringly.

“How beautiful you are. This is what you have been hiding under your clothes for all of these years.”

I smiled coyly and he unpinned my hair. I removed my jewellery apart from my wedding ring. He ran his fingers through my curls and I reached to pull him on top of me. Our lips met and he began to stroke first my belly and then my crotch. I groaned as I felt this was what he expected but as he began to rub harder and faster, I found I could not stop groaning. I reached the pinnacle of ecstasy with an almighty whimper and lay still, confused that Nathaniel brought about such bliss. That gentleman smiled at my expression and suddenly I felt vulnerable once more. My expression must have changed for he knew me well and he put his arms around me. I lay my head on his chest whilst he stroked my hair. His heart was racing as fast as mine.

We lay silently together before I asked him, a little uncertainly, “Where do I touch you?”

I knew the answer but of course I let him show me. In my damp hand his cock felt no different to Jim’s. Nathaniel put his hand over mine and showed me how to manipulate him. With such instruction, I could not fail and soon he flushed, moaned and a strange expression flickered across his face as he emptied himself into my fist. Hesitantly, I stopped moving my hand and he pushed it away and pulled me towards him. Discreetly I wiped my hand on my thigh. He kissed me and smiled.

“I have waited so long for this and I thought it would never happen.”

The only reply I could make was to smile back and kiss him once more. I was surprised at the lust I felt but I did not love him. The fact I was doing the right thing, a married woman obeying her husband, took away a small part of the pleasure. I had to ask myself if part of the fun I had enjoyed with Jim lay in the fact that it was forbidden and we had run a great risk in our lovemaking.